Simply Irresistible
By C. Haraway

The Robert Palmer video for “Addicted to Love” changed my life. For those of you who have never seen this video, it features Robert Palmer singing while a small army of women sway and play guitars behind him. Each woman has her hair slicked back in the same style, making all of the women look identical. Watching this video made me realize that, beneath the different hairstyles and make-up jobs, all women are the same. The idea that all women were the exact same person led me to form strange views into my twenties that led to unhealthy sexual conduct. Or misconduct. It’s that conduct that led me eventually to get tested for STDs.
Before going to the doctor to, I read up about the testing procedures on the internet. It said most places did urine tests now. I felt quite relieved.
While I waited for the doctor, I tried to decide how to present my penis. If I exposed it limp, she’d think I had a tiny one. If it was erect, she’d think I was a pervert. I decided it was best to go semi and started thinking about only vaguely dirty thoughts. My biggest fear was that my doctor would be a man.
When a woman entered the room, I felt very relived. She greeted me and asked me some questions. Then she said, “Okay, now remove your pants.” I could see her reaching up in a cabinet to retrieve a long, thin cotton swab. Immediately, my penis retreated inside like a frightened turtle. I wanted to ask her “Isn’t there a way just to do a urine test?” But I knew it was futile. If there was a urine test, she would have told me. This was how it was going to go.
Once I was stripped, she had me sit on the little doctors table and I felt her gloved hands grip what was available of my petrified penis. “This is going to hurt a little,” she said. I saw the stick in her hand with a hard, thin cotton swab at the top. I closed my eyes as she inserted it inside the place where nothing had ever entered before.
I can’t describe the pain. The feeling of a stick pressing through the most tender region of a man’s genitals is quite unnerving. Not only do they stick the swab way down there, they have to scrape in order to get the cells.
Mind over matter, I kept telling myself. I knew if I moved at all, the pain would only increase. It hurt so bad that I gave a quick jerk before I felt her slide the stick out.
For the next week and a half, I could barely pee. I even woke up a couple of times because the pain was so bad. The mental recollection of the feeling only enhanced the physical pain. Even when she told me I tested negative for all STDs, I wasn’t glad. I decided my penis was forever ruined and I’d never want anyone to touch it ever again.
But the pain does go away eventually. Just as people with fillings in their teeth never forget the pain of chewing on foil, I will never forget this feeling. The pain is gone, but not the memory. Maybe there is an easier way to do a urine test, but because of this procedure, I’ve thought twice before deciding whether or not to use a condom. So maybe it’s for the better. Who’s to say?